Eyeliners and Cigarettes

As I mentioned, I already found a new job three weeks ago. Yes, it has been three weeks. Time flies really fast especially when you are trying to cope up with new things.. You want to at least slow it down as much as possible so that you have more time to absorb and learn.

But no!

I have never thought that city life could be done this fast! Before I know it, 9 to 10 hrs of my life in a day has already passed..I’d be on my way home, eat a nice dinner (courtesy of Dang) then wake up for another working day… that’s how life goes on for me.

 I am not complaining though. 

Everyday is a new day, and I appreciate more of the little things — brief chat with family, a call from him, laughter with close friends, real food (haha :D @mbqueenofdstars), yes - tasteful dinner ^_^ and the much awaited Friday.

My happiest is Friday night , not because I am going to party or have some drinks, but I am happy over the fact that I would not be guilty of staying up late and more so, experiencing the best feeling in the world “waking up with no alarm clock.”

…that feeling of trying to open your eyes so hard when you know that you just started dreaming, or you are in the middle of a dream then suddenly your alarm clock rings… no choice, you have to wake up. Worst is when you wake up and you ask yourself “Was I really able to sleep?” I have it so many times. I just keep on telling myself, “Yes, I did!”… but yet I feel so tired.

Sleep, good food, laughter, miscall from loved ones… some of the things that I guess I take for granted when I feel that have all the time in the world. My mom always tell me that her sources of happiness are just simple — cooking good food, cleaning the house, buying things for us or simply having a good sleep.

I didn’t believe her until now. ^_^

I guess before we always have the feeling that we could do more valuable things with time than spend it at home and sleep. Yet, when we grow older - the feeling of ‘conquering the world’ slowly fades. It is not that we stopped being ambitious and just settle for anything less. We just look forward to nourish the things we have at the moment — family, relationships, good heath and adequate resources. 

Once in awhile I guess everyone in their busy lives would like to just curl up and squeeze themselves  under bed sheets and pillows, and sleep. Wake up for awhile then sleep again. 

As for some of us, matuyo nga lang sinampay natin, masaya na tayo. haha :D

In terms of work, we are “willing” to go over time and “stress” ourselves knowing that your boss appreciates what you have done and once in awhile you will have a tap on the back for doing a good job.

For family and relationships, a simple call could brighten up your day. Having that quick 3 to 5 min conversation and hearing their voices would surely be enough to brighten up your day.

Words like “Ingat!” “Miss you” and “Love you” always tend to be plain and unappealing especially when you hear that everyday from your parents, sibling or bf. But when you only have 5 minutes of your time to look at your phone during the course of the day, receiving these messages make you feel that you are still connected to the world outside of your cubicle, computer and your office desk.

And yes, you feel loved. :)

A five-second laughter would let you feel that your sane again. :D

A kilig moment with your crush stops time and weariness. Inspiration begins and your heart seems to beat again faster than the usual. ^_^ *ahem, may nakakarelate. :P

So we might be complaining of so many things about life, yet we come to the point that simple things could make us happy. Ironic, right? Contradictions are not always bad. Sometimes seeing the black and white of things give us the chance to appreciate the black when the white is missing, and vice-versa. We appreciate being happy when there are so many crappy things happening in our lives. On the other hand, when we are overly happy, we find peacefulness in silence and dull moments. We gain strength from mistakes, and we smile over happy memories. 

That’s life, I guess.

That makes us human and alive. Simple things and contradictions.

 It has been 1 year and four months .. But the memory of my longest affair thus far in SG is still fresh. I could remember the application process, the moment I knew about the job offer , how I cried so hard because of happiness and relief that finally I got a job, the first day where I waited a month and half to start and…. finally seating on my chair and doing my job… all of these I could still remember… I never knew that was the start of a totally different adventure for me — the 80 percent of my life here in Singapore — my work in Whitestone.

7.20 am alarm clock rings. Wakes up but sleep walk to take a bath. After shower, I am now fully awake. Dress up. Eat my breakfast. Pause and space out for 5 minutes while eating (subconsciously preparing my mind for another day), brush teeth, final look in the mirror and final touches… then I am ready to go.

Once I stepped out of the Tanjong Pagar station, it seems like a different world. Everyone is rushing off. They seem to have been programmed to walk so fast not minding their surroundings. You could only hear the footsteps of people as everyone is so quite. Each person maybe thinking of their own work problems and how would they get through the day. As for me, my mind is always spaced out. I feel like a zombie.  I am sleepy or thinking of my personal problems, etc.

Although coming inside the office, it is another world of its own. I am a researcher.

“Choose a job that you like and you will never have to work a day of your life.” 

- Confucius

I search for people’s names and their backgrounds. A job order is given to me every now and then and I have to find the person that fits the role. I search, I headhunt. Everyday I could speak to 4 to 6 people I barely know. I try to make them feel that I personally know them for years and that they could trust me. This is just to convince them that change is good and what I am offering is far better job than what they have now… a better life for long-term. Before the day ends, I should be able to make a report about that person’s profile, and with that one-pager he or she might really be changing his or her life in few days.

“Learning is not a product of schooling but the lifelong attempt to acquire it.” 

- Albert Einstein

During my stay in Whitestone,  more than the working experience, I learned life lessons. My patience was tested a lot of times (this one, I really learned the rough way..hahaha :D)  I also somehow developed having thick skin. Haha :D I learned Singlish, things about Singapore and most importantly, I learned more about friendship. My officemate no doubt are the people who were with me during the happiest and saddest points of my life here in Singapore. Everyday I see them, I feel comfort and security. I trusted them like I have known them for years. It might be a different story from their side, but I guess, a person away from home, although how much he or she is used to being alone, would always find attachment to people who could resemble to be a family to them  — there was that certain longing — and the people in Whitestone fulfilled that. I am really grateful to have met them and learn from them. 

“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.” 

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Even after, lets say, many years of staying here in Singapore, I know I would always be looking back on Jan 17, 2011, and I will remember that on that day, my real life here in Singapore started.. Thanks Whitestone,  for sure I would be meeting you again to pay my endless gratitude for all the things you have taught and given to me.

Till we meet again! :’)

I woke up with the sound of the heavy rain outside our room.  Unlike my usual alarm clock, the sound of the dropping water did not disturb me, instead it calms my soul and reminds me of some thoughts I have been meaning to tell you.

I have not been writing to you ever since “forever.” My thoughts are often flying around during my daily trips in buses and trains. I always get excited with the things I would like to write to you, but come putting it down in words, my ideas are lost and just fade into thin air. Waking up with the melancholic sound of rain, perhaps give me the inspiration to finally organize my thoughts (and yes I am emo like that).

In any case, next week will be my last few days in my work. Three  more days and I will end the one-year-and-five-months “affair” with my first job. Funny that I use affair as term to describe my relationship with it. It is not something naughty and secretive but “affair” in a sense that for me it connotes excitement, interest and learning, regrets, sometimes disappointments, then moving on.

I remember  writing to you about what I do for a living here in this far place. “I place people on their right position.” That is how my boss will put it. Who knows right and wrong? I really do not know. As long as you close that deal and everyone is happy, then it maybe “right.”

To be totally honest, I have never thought that I’d be doing this as a profession. I always fancy to be a hardcore academic person —writing research proposals, journals or being author of books. I always dream of going back to the university and “bully” students (lol).

 Teaching for me is one profession that you constantly learn everyday from conversations with your students, colleagues and professors. It is when you exchange your ideas and thoughts to others and you both learn from each other, I guess, would no doubt that best output that one could give. No quotas are to be achieved, no measurement should be done. The process is the output itself. 

And this is my comfort zone.

Now I am entering another world which is totally different from what I’ve just described to you. Whatever you do it boils down to your output, and that is to close a deal. Borrowing Machiavelli’s words, the end does not justify the means. From my own perspective, you should be able to achieve that “end” whatever it takes because that is how you are measured if you are good or not. That is how you are quantified if you are successful on what you do. That is how you are assessed of your ability and skills. Conversations are not enough. You should do your numbers, quotas and targets. Then everyone would be happy and fulfilled. This is my world now and perhaps on the coming years as well.

Somehow it excites me, but 70 percent it scares me. I fear that it was too early for me to enter a very competitive, driven and fast world of the corporate. I fear that I am not prepared and would be eaten alive by the system. I fear that at the end of the day, I would regret my decision of giving up the things I would do in long-term. BUT THEN, it excites me. It is something I look forward to.. And I guess the 30 percent of excitement is enough to overcome the 70 percent of fear and doubt. I may not be at my best but I know (or should) do good.

So, wish me luck (and charms). ^_^

I wish you are here to personally listen to my stories and I would be glad to hear yours as well. We talk a lot about senseless things, and I miss that. At least being with you, talking to you, exchanging ideas, similar or different… there is a sense of comfort. But you are far away and busy as well. I am celebrating our 21st today… the  “I” is somehow disturbing… it is somehow empty. Anyway, I will write to you soon for this is a totally different topic already. Haha.

Take care,

Savanna

“Cause if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me

and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be

Thinking maybe you’ll come back here to the place that we’d meet

And you’ll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I’m not moving, I’m not moving..”

Listening to this song and being HR (hopeless romantic), there is an instant wanting and wondering how lucky the girl to whom this song is dedicated. For me, those are the words of longing, wanting and appreciation.

How often do you write to your parents telling them how much you love them? Do you even take time to drop a letter to your closest friends just to check how they are and for them to let them know you are still alive? How often you exchange long chats and messages to your boyfriends or girlfriends, aside from the casual, “hi, hello, bye and I love you messages?” In this very busy and fast moving world where everything should be seen in one glance it is already an effort for people to take the time to sit and write to their loved ones.

I made a “resolution” that starting this year I should be able to blog more often and exercise the skill of writing and conveying messages/emotions through the right words, etc. But indeed it is an effort and I would not have that kind of “intense” emotion every time to serve as inspiration to write. I am also guilty of missing in action to my friends who takes time to write about their whereabouts, etc. With this, I am taking this opportunity to be appreciative of all the emails and letters. I hope that by writing this blog, I would be able to say thank you and yes, I would definitely write back.

In any case, I am just wondering how people take it differently in terms of showing their affection or love to each other. And let me specify people away from their home and loved ones. Some I know would be the types of “Don’t disturb. I am doing fine.” Some are the attached type — everyday Skype or YM to each other, as if they could not miss a second away from home. I am more of the ones in between. I don’t go call every now and then but I also make sure that I drop a short message to people at home to say that I am okay and still alive.

I remember my mom once told me that she sometimes appreciates reading SMSes more than calls. I asked her why and was touched to hear her answer, “kasi gustong-gusto kong basahin uli ung magagandang messages sa akin. Pag wala akong ginagawa, nagbabasa lang ako ng mga txts nyo for me… na sa ganitong time naalala nyo ako. Masaya na ako ng ganoon.”

It is true how messages of greetings, affection and appreciation could make or break a day of a person. It is even better if we could spend more time composing messages as if you are telling those things to them in person — like filling in the gap between you. Let them feel you are really there and not JUST there.

It does not need to take grand things to tell our parents how much we love them, or to say to our siblings take care, or to make “kulit” our friends because we miss them. A  letter saying how much we appreciate our family’s concern or how we miss the old times with our barkadas, or maybe sending snail mails to your bf/gf as a small surprise — those are the things that could surely brighten up one’s day or ease out one’s burden.

If you say you are already used to talking to the people you love, then think of things that you don’t usually do and surprise them. For sure, they will appreciate and would always think how lucky they are to have you (and they will be pressured to do the same to you..hahaha :D, just kidding).

But the point is, sometimes it is good to just sit down and let your thoughts or your feelings about the people away from you flow through your words. You need not to be the emo or the mushy type, it is just like having a conversation over the phone or a chit-chat over coffee. Personally, writing is kind of a therapy as well, a venue to release tension, stress or whatever you are feeling at the moment.  

So take time and write.

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 To whom will you write your thoughts today? ^_^

…Continued from Part 1…

Circumstances. This March marked a one year of something I relearned in terms of believing and experiencing it all over again — love. I am still in disbelief every time I remember the good old days when I laugh at stories of relationships and how I mock people who are so mushy about their partners. After that “dreadful” break-up (yes, I am one of those “suicidals”) and some family challenges, I formulate thoughts inside my head that males are always of lower specie than females haha :D. I would never settle and live the rest of my life with any of them. (this line makes me laugh, haha :D)

BUT, yeah, here I am talking about different circumstances that happened in my life which led to one thing — celebrating a year of relationship with him, the person I admire in many aspects, I respect and love despite the distance between us. He is the person who listens and does not judge despite my shortcomings (and mood swings, haha) And he is the guy that I am hoping to be with for the rest of our lives. YES, it is sort of contradictory of how a year with him changed a lot of my arguments about love and relationship.

I let go of anger and doubts. I am ready to accept and undergo the process of happiness and pain again as long as I am with him… the reason of this change? I don’t know. The result? No one knows. I am just ready.. happy.. and (pls. let me say this..) in love. <3 Seph

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Chinese New Year After of having a break in the Philippines, I was back in SG with a good friend, Dang. Yes, it is a total change in how my life has been going here in SG. When she says that “I-unleash ang inner bakla…” I think I am one of her “victims.” hahaha :D Life has been quite fast for her as well, and I am pretty sure she also has other stories to tell (dapat magblog ka na rin, Dang!) 

Ups and downs, stress and moving on, everything could happen and change but what we don’t forget is to laugh and be happy. That’s one thing I owe her that I am learning now, to laugh your heart out until you don’t worry anymore, until you are not stress anymore.. or until you sleep so when you wake up, it is another day to be hopeful about. 

And yes, this day came for us, April 6… we moved in the unit that was just an idea  a month ago. “If it is for us, it will happen.” And yes it did! We are here — the painting, the lamps, the mirror… (Kahit wala tayong utensils! hahaha :D) We are here and we will make this place our little home.

It is also an opportunity to thank people we owe a lot… this Project Rose Lane won’t be possible without them. (Ate Vicky, Kuya Mike and Ate Charlene).  Maraming Salamat! 

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Looking forward. I guess after three months of being in a washing machine (paikot-ikot, whirlwind emotions, mabilis na spin) I am hoping I would come out cleaner… or should I say more ready to embrace life here in the City with all its uncertainties, adventures and surprises.

I might have fears and doubts, failures and mistakes but it has to be like that, right? No shortcuts and no retakes. Life for me here has been a series of events which often I don’t know where it would lead to. But as when I look back, it makes more sense to me. 

I am this person now because of the past events in my life. (and yes these two entries won’t be written if not for everything that happened..haha :D)

And the most important thing is that, I keep on looking forward.. we don’t stop to see the world, eyes wide-open, arms fully stretched out on both sides and us standing looking beyond the skies… (parang si Oble lang yan!). I will live, love and be happy. #   

They say that Easter marks a new beginning in Christian lives. After all the fasting and abstinence, reflections and prayers, people see Easter as hopeful and joyful occasion.  I may not be strong devotee of Christian faith, but I believe in the concept that there are certain moments in our lives that we treat as “Easter.” Sometimes we go through difficulties and series of tests, but at the end, one by one we see the reasons why things went the way they did, and we become hopeful and looking forward again for a new beginning.

The first three months of my 2012 here in SG, I could say could be comparable to my first 6 months last year in terms of the changes/happenings in my life and the depth of emotions (happiness and stress). As Seph said my life has been very dynamic — almost everyday something happens or major changes occur. Sounds exciting? Well, a part of it I guess, but it is more a sudden rush of different emotions that in a day, you don’t know what to feel. Happy because of a good news? Frustrated because of stress? Regret because of a mistake? Or looking forward because of sudden opportunities? 

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Case. Okay, January and February started pretty much “exciting.” haha :D If you know the news, “exciting” is not the adjective to use. Yes January has been really tough. This was the point that I really questioned my stay here in Singapore. “Why do I have to go through this?” “Why me?” “Why here, where you expected that every place is safe and secured?”

I developed that schema inside my head that I am strong and this is only a test of oneself, of how long I could sustain the life I chose. Then again, there were a lot of sleepless nights, of questioning my faith. This was the point in one’s life that you tell yourself you don’t deserve such… that you are overwhelmed with fear, anger and doubt.

Until now, I am still finding the reasons why things happened that way. I will not claim that I have already moved on since the case is still ongoing and the fear of that happening again is still present…BUT I think step by step I let go of anger and doubt because I know it will not lead me anywhere. My stand has changed a bit — that sometimes, you need not to be always strong or project that you can do the impossible (like getting over trauma so easily or down playing your emotions as if nothing happened).

Sometimes, we learn lessons in life in a very gradual way. Cry if you want to, shout if you want to let go what is in your heart and most importantly, trust. Trust that even how “bad” the world is to you because of what happened, there are people whom you could talk to and they will understand. They might not know exactly what you feel, but they will listen.

And this might be simple — I realized that one of the best feelings in the world is being heard when you speak, being recognized when you are in pain because you know that you are not struggling alone. There are people who truly cares and are concern about you… so in return, don’t fail them. Now, you are no longer being strong just for yourself but for these people who believes in you. 

Now I am moving on and hopefully as they say I am hoping that, “Justice will prevail.”

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Crisis and Changes. I celebrated my first year of work last January in my current company. It has been my second home here in SG and indeed I could say the people I worked with has been a family to me as well. But I know that nothing is constant in life but change. Two of my colleagues left the company and by the end of March, the “home” seems to be an empty space — you only hear the clicks of mouse and keyboard. Few of exchanges of words then “you are back to work.”

As for me, I am back to the reality that people come and go — that is a fact of life. Sometimes, I really wish that I am that type of person who could not easily be attached to things and people. But “unfortunately” I am. I have the longing of “what has been used to be” or the emo lines like “dati rati… ganito kami..” 

The office dilemma is intensified more of the stress, the problem of career growth and the million dollar question of person in crisis, “What do I really want to do with my life?” I was trapped in between my passion and my necessity at present. Should I go back to academe and do the research projects that I used to do? Or should I continue the HR career I started here in SG? The former is my passion and the latter is my necessity. And the latter is what I chose.

I could share the decision making process, but that it is quite a long talk…haha :D but I guess the important thing is that you don’t feel that you are only making decision in your life just because you want to be happy. Tapos. You are making decisions because you are also thinking of what lies ahead and what makes the people you love happy as well. 

At the end of this month, I am moving to a new workplace. I am excited, thrilled, anxious and everything on top (parang ice cream lang.. lol). This is new adventure that I am quite looking forward to. I am grateful for what they taught me in previous company, and for this I hope I won’t fail them.

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to be continued…